HELLO pals, haters, dad (I know you’re reading this). I’m back with an ultimate run down of all the boys you’ll find on Hinge. Guaranteed if you have Hinge, you’ll know what I’m talking about but, for those of you who don’t have Hinge and don’t know what it is, lemme explain it real quick.
Hinge is essentially the best dating app going at the moment, Tinder is for hook-ups, Bumble is boring so here we are at a nice middle ground, Hinge. The quality of people is much better and the app allows you to answer questions about yourself on your profile so that someone could respond to one as a conversation starter.
You can see all the people who either like your pictures or comment on your profile answers and decide whether you want to match with them and continue the conversation. Easy enough, right?
So, after weeks of having and using Hinge (so much so that they upgraded me to a ‘preferred member’ for free for some reason) I have whittled the men on there into 10 categories. Enjoy xo
1. The one from the Home County
We’ll start with the nice, easy one – the home county boy, which is basically every. single. boy. on. Hinge. They LOVE to ski and when I say LOVE I mean they literally have no other pics other than those from that one time at aprés.
They probably work in finance or some other dull job in the city and spend all they can on cocktails on a roof with a bit of fake grass or they’re saving for their next trip to Val-d’Isère, did I mention they ski?
Is that surprising Freddie? 1. You’re called Freddie 2. You went to Durham and 3. You live in Pimlico
2. The one who’s mature
You’ve read that headline thinking I’m going to talk about someone who thinks they’re super mature and up themselves but when I say mature I literally mean an old man.
Meet my main man, Pejman. I mean… he’s clearly not 25, is he? There’s a difference between exaggerating on your profile and just being an outright predator. Likeeeeee who do I report this to?
3. The one who’s a rugby lad
BEEEERRRSSSSSSS. RUGBBBBYYYYYYY. CLAPHAMMMMMMM.
Yes, my friends, you all know what’s coming. They have tons of rugby pics, coulda been pro but had an injury and spend every weekend down in Infernos – ironically, of course.
They probably will have alright chat but will blend into every other rugby lad on the app. They’re fit so you give them the benefit of the doubt despite being unoriginal. Wouldn’t say no tho…
4. The one who is a recruiter and a recruiter only
If you thought the term basic bitch only applied to females, you’re wrong. The recruiter is THE most basic boy on the app. He’s got an average profile, average chat and average pics.
They ‘geek out’ on Marvel, Game of Thrones or Harry Potter. Yes… just like every other person in the world.
His friends would describe him as ‘nice’ but ultimately he’s very vanilla. There will be times when some quick quips will make you question your initial thoughts but then he’ll bring it back to a ‘come mine’ or ‘you up’ text and you’ll realise he is just THAT basic and THAT average.
5. The one who lives at the gym
This guy LOVES himself because I mean, frankly, no one else does. His profile will be full of either sex jokes or simply a checklist of what he doesn’t want in a girl. Ok, mate, calm down, just because you sweat from your arse on a regular basis doesn’t mean it’s lubricated enough for people to climb up it.
The gym is the playground for his dreams. Nothing beats fitness. He works hard so that you can keep those hands manicured hunny, so you can keep those meals a-coming, so you can stay in the kitchen babe…. you get the idea.
6. The one who thinks he’s a model
This guy has got ZERO chat. You initially matched because you thought, yeah, I deserve a fitty but nah. He thinks he can cruise by on his looks and tbf he probably can for some girls but NO. Don’t get sucked in babe.
Every pic on his profile is either a professional headshot or portrait mode on an iPhone. He’s so self-indulged that he can’t even see when he’s outright insulting you… see below.
7. The one whose life revolves around politics
Their profile explicitly states ‘No Tories’. They hate everyone and everything and think they hold some kind of attractiveness due to their ‘mystery’. What I mean by this is that they’re brooding, they’re cynical and they’re sarcastic. Every girl’s dream !! !
They’ve got a problem with mummy and daddy being conservatives so lash out any way they can but they still enjoy the home comforts of a cafetiere and the annual ski trip. Oh yeah, these ones still ski too.
8. The one who’s still living in 2012
It’s summer, Jason Derulo’s Ridin’ Solo has come out and is being blue toothed to every Nokia brick in the vicinity. Boys are wearing t-shirts with Rihanna’s face on with their signature beige chinos.
This is where this guy is living. He’s not quite let go of the good times from 7 years ago, he doesn’t understand social media etiquette and he’s still posting pics of his car in the hope of landing a girl.
He puts an ‘x’ at the end of every text message, comment, status etc. and to make things worse, he can’t go two minutes without saying ‘haha’ or ‘lol’ followed by a laughing crying face. What is this?
9. The one with the inappropriate jokes
Now I’m not a prude but I just don’t find sexual jokes funny. This guy is the type of guy who will tell you, you’ve got no banter just because you don’t find sexism or general shit chat funny.
He belongs in the depths of Tinder sending away his dick pics and spends every moment wondering why he’s not getting that sweet p*$$y on Hinge. Get outta here.
10. The one who’s actually funny
Now, once in a while you sift through all of the above and you find a gem. He’s good looking, his answers are funny and conversation flows. A rarity but it can happen.
He’s the golden boy who’s actually nice, funny and fit and you can tell all his mates love him. You’ll probably meet up with him if it weren’t for all the horror stories of dating apps but you never know, watch this space.
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Scroll down for more entertaining profiles. Let me know what you want my next blog to be. In a bit xo